Dead drunk!
A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he’s 
stopped by a police officer.
Officer: “Good evening sir. We’re testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?”
Man: “I`m sorry, I can’t do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air”.
Officer: “Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test”.
Man: “I can’t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death”.
Officer: “Then you’ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line”.
Man: “Can’t do that either”.
Officer: “Why not?”
Man: “Because I’m dead drunk”.
Night out!
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending too much time at the pub, so one night he took her long. “What`ll ya have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don`t know. The same as you, I suppose,” she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of whiskies, and then threw his down in one gulp. His wife took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
“Yuck, that`s nasty poison!” she sputtered. “I don`t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband. “And you thought I was out enjoying myself every night!”
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hahhaha nice